Every so often (very often, in Pittsburgh), someone does something so outlandishly stupid that it defies human logic. This time, the Emperor, instead of undressing, decided to turn East Liberty Boulevard into a two-lane four-lane street with bike lanes. Astounding! And then, as in the case of the naked Emperor, the knaves line up to try to add a gloss of logic to such patent stupidity.
So it is with the ridiculous rationalization of this inane act in the Highland Park Community Council Newsletter. Not one rationalization for this stupid act holds weight, and the rationale are internally inconsistent and contradictory. In short, this was a dumb idea that is now in search of reasons to give it legitimacy.
Pardon me if I suggest that the present incarnation of ELB occurred in about 1963 when the rest of East Liberty was being destroyed by “planners.” Despite the obvious absurdity of what was done to East Liberty, ELB has served the city well for about 45 years with absolutely no modification. Suddenly, it is devastatingly deficient for ridiculous “reasons.” If it is truly deficient, then what should be done is to rebuild it. The present prostitution of this boulevard is akin to the Emperor declaring that the US Steel Tower (about 6 years ELB’s junior) is suddenly too high, so some Wizards of Smart get the idea to remove the lower 32 floors, renumber the upper 32 floors, and then proclaim that the height problem has been miraculously remedied.
Let’s play, for a moment, with the goofy rationale asserted in the newsletter article to which I refer above.
First, apparently the “planners” who gave us East Liberty in 1963 now want to declare ELB dysfunctional. Strange that it waited over 45 years to be bestowed with that designation by another set of “planners” than those who created the East Liberty abortion to begin with. In one moment it is dysfunctional because it is characterized by “dangerously high speeds.” What moron came up with that thought. Supposedly, this is so because there are few intersections and traffic calming measures. What inanity. There are more intersections and traffic lights per unit of measurement on ELB than, for example, Penn Avenue between Point Breeze and East Liberty, Penn Circle around three sides of East Liberty, Negley Avenue between Baum and the Park, and, the most trafficked street in the area, Highland Avenue which is a virtual racetrack interrupted only by a single traffic light at Stanton, a stop sign (usually ignored) at Bryant, and a stop sign (always ignored) at Bunkerhill. How can any human being with an IQ above body temperature suggest that to reduce the street from four to two lanes will make the traffic go more slowly? And by the way, who says it is now two lanes? Looks like four to me.
Second, who is afraid to cross ELB. There are numerous intersections controlled by traffic signals where anyone can cross safely. Oh - I missed the reference to the “particularly immediate residents” (a term obviously used by “planners”) to dress up those who can universally be seen sauntering across ELB at virtually every point except at the controlled intersections. As for the students? They can be found swarming across Highland Avenue as well as ELB without regard to intersections, crosswalks or on-coming traffic., so what do they care.
Third, apparently someone thinks that the number of meetings held that “touched on” ELB in some way gives the Emperor the appearance of being clothed. This kind of participation validates the observation by a wag years ago that a camel is a horse designed by a committee. So it is with ELB. One person with above average intelligence and common sense would have been a better approach than dozens of people with an aggregate IQ of . . . you get my point.
Fourth, while ELB is proclaimed to be characterized by high speed, the stated rationale notes that it is very under utilized. Hello. My personal experience is that it is so under utilized in its current incarnation by cyclists, that the motorists (who either are smart enough to use the street properly), or totally dumb, use it as a four lane street as often as not. It is also being used for parking, where it was never before so used. So now we have a two-lane four-lane street interrupted by parked cars, traffic moving at no less speed than before, and a cyclist who comes by once a month or so. I know where this idea came from - a shooting gallery at Kennywood.
Fifth, we are told that yet another “planner” has declared that by reducing ELB to two lanes it would create a safer pedestrian environment. And who paid these Wizards of Smart - Walnut Capital, the developers of Bakery Square, who are looking to make it easy for people to shop at that site and cross at the corner of Penn Avenue and ELB, which is already controlled by a traffic signal.
This whole, sordid, ridiculous affair, and the vacuous rationale asserted in the newsletter, ultimately brings to mind the allegory of the old man, the young boy and a donkey.
One day an old man was riding his donkey with his grandson, until one villager said: “Look at these fools! The strong man riding the donkey and the little boy riding his shoes!”
The old man said: “Young man, let’s go like they say, I go on foot and you ride my donkey.”
They were going down the road when one lady cried: “Look at these fools! The old man on foot and the young boy on the donkey!”
The old man said: “Boy let’s do like they say, from now on we both go on foot.”
Later on in the next village one old woman started laughing: “Look at these fools! Both on foot! What is the donkey for? To sleep with?”
The old man said: “Boy, there is just one more solution, we both ride the donkey from now on!”
They were both on the poor donkey when a man shouted: “Look at these fools! They want to kill the donkey! I am sure the donkey does not belong to you!”
The old man said to the boy: “I just don't know what to do anymore! If I ride the donkey we are fools, if you ride the donkey fools we are, if we both go on foot we are insulted and, finally, if we both ride the donkey we are still fools! Let’s try just one more time.”
The boy and the old man pick up and start carrying the donkey.
In the next village everyone laughed and shouted: “Look at these fools! Turning the world upside down! They are the donkeys of the donkey!”
The old man finally replies: “Young boy, let’s go like we were going at first. Fools are the ones that listen to the world!"
And I might add . . . the “planners,” especially those who opened our eyes after 45 years to the fact this venerable boulevard was so dysfunctional. How could we have been so blind?
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James H. Joseph
6030 Bunkerhill Street
Pittsburgh, PA 15206-1156
Vox412.661.8896
Fax412.661.4023